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Sile
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PostSubject: Awesome joke thread   Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:43 pm

We had a joke thread once, and it sucked donkey balls. This thread is meant for the politically incorrect, moderately racist, sexist, cruel/dark and generally stupid jokes.

Let it be written that the following people better stay away:
- PETA and Human Rights activists
- people who try and find sense and logic in jokes
- overly senisitive and otherwise gay people
- people who can only laugh at other people's expense

So you get the idea here's an example of what to do:

Politically incorrect:
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep hear a zipper from a mile away

Moderately racist
Q: What's the difference between a car tyre and a black man?
A: When you put the tyre in chains it doesn't sing the blues.

Sexist:
Q: Why is the wedding dress white?
A: So the color matches the fridge, stove and the washing machine.

Cruel:
A man walks through the woods and runs into a little girl crying and asks: "What's the matter little girl?" She says: "My father was mauled by a bear, my mother was bitten by a deadly snake and my brother drowned in a river" As he drops his pants he says "This sure isn't your lucky day"

Generally stupid:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face" and the horse replies "I have aids"



Now examples of what not to do:
-"how can you say that you ignorant bastard that's not funny they're people just like you and me / animals have feelings too"
-"horses can't talk dumbass and what would a horse be doing in a bar"
-"hahaha that's funny because Scots fuck sheep and I'm British but you better not make jokes about us"
-"that's so sad and cruel and I like dicks in my ass"

We all know the boundaries of good taste so let's not cross them (the N word, holocaust, etc).

The point of this thread is that we can all casually offend and shock people when we travel abroad so let it rip Very Happy I suggest we make this a sticky asap, we need some laughter nowadays

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Jofo
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:57 pm

How many Ethiopians are out there in the world?
-80kg.


Invalid without one arm entry in a shop and ask?
-Excuse me is this second hand shop!


One guy with dog entry in a pub and ask.
-Do you serve little children?
-Yes, says the waiter.
-Ok, then give me one cold beer and for the dog two little children.



One Grandpa reads the obituary section in a newspaper when his little grandson comes to the room.
-Grandpa, are you on Facebook again?!?



How do you put baby in a blander?
-With his legs down so you can see his face.



One little kid goes to his mom and ask her?
-Mammy can I play with my toys?
-No, go play in the mud instead.
-Why ,will the mud cure my leukemia?
-No son but you'll get used to the ground faster.
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Caxi
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:56 pm

One of my best mates favourite jokes, goes down a storm...

John, David and Leroy were the best of mates at school which many people thought strange because Leroy was black. At lunchtime one day, the three of them were playing in the sand box. The bell rang and John was the first to re-enter the classroom.

The teacher asked John; "how was your lunch today?"

John: "It was great. David, Leroy and I had great fun playing in the sandbox, throwing the sand around and building sandcastles."
Teacher: "That sounds excellent, John. Ok, if you can spell "sand" I'll give you a lollipop."
John: "S-A-N-D. Sand."

The teacher gives him a lollipop.

David enters the classroom...

Teacher: "how was your lunch today?"
David: "We had great fun, John, Leroy and I were playing in the sandbox, building sandcastles, throwing sand around, it was brilliant."
Teacher: "I'm glad you had a good time, David. Ok, if you can spell "box" I'll give you a lollipop."
David: "B-O-X. Box."

The teacher gives him a lollipop.

Leroy enters the classroom, covered in sand with his eyes watering...

Teacher: "how was your lunch today?"
Leroy: [sobbing] "Not good, David and John wouldn't let me play with the sand, I wanted to build sandcastles and they kept throwing the sand in my eyes."
Teacher: "that's terrible Leroy; you know, they have a phrase for that kind of behaviour, it's called racial discrimination...ok, if you can spell racial discrimination...
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Miro
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:03 pm

Boy: "Dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa: "Send me your mother."


Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.


What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.


What is the difference between santa clause and a pimp?
Santa clause stops at three hoes.
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:13 pm

How many Irish people are enough to change the light bulb?
Two. One of them is holding the light bulb and the other starts to drink beer until whole room starts to rotate…

A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me". So the white guy says "I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough." The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's... notcreative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My Good. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Everything's
neat and tidy in there," said the gynaecologist after the examination.
"So it should be," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in twice a week!!"
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Curva Maestrelli
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:16 pm

Sile wrote:

Cruel:
A man walks through the woods and runs into a little girl crying and asks: "What's the matter little girl?" She says: "My father was mauled by a bear, my mother was bitten by a deadly snake and my brother drowned in a river" As he drops his pants he says "This sure isn't your lucky day"

hahahahahahahaha This one made my day!!!
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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:25 am

What are the three best holes in your mother in law?

The ones when you pull the pitchfork out.

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hamidsinisa
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:19 am

A little rabbit was sitting under a tree, reading a book.
Suddenly a wolf come and says: “Finish that!!! I want to eat you!!!”
Rabbit: “Wait untill I finish this book and then...”
Wolf: “What's that? Whats It about?”
Rabbit: “Its about logic, ok?!”.
Wolf: “No boy, no!”
Rabbit: “Have you got matches?”
Wolf: “Yeah!”
Rabbit: “Its mean you smoke, ain’t it?”
Wolf: “Yes man, I smoke ”
Rabbit: “If you smoke cigarettes, you do fume marijuana, too, don’t you?!”
Wolf: “Yeah man, I do it as well!!!”
Rabbit: “In case you use weed, you woulda try to inject some heroin into yuh bloodstream!?!”
Wolf: “Right man, but rarely you know!”
Rabbit: “So, if you do it you would have given your ass to somebody underneath the delight, haven’t you?”
Wolf: “Aaaaaa... Mmmmmm... Right... Once... Just once...
Rabbit: “That mean you're fucked-up!!!”
The wolf got deeply frustrated and took that book and keep going with reading it!!!”
Suddenly a big bear comes up, saying:
“Hey you, stop that, I'm going eat you up!!!”
Wolf: “Pleeze boy wait awhile, I'm going to end this book up!”
Bear: “What's that about?!?”
Wolf: “It’s about logic!!!”
Bear: “Logic? What's logic?!?”
Wolf: “Yow, see me, you got matches???”
Bear: “Of course I got!!!”
Wolf: “OK, then you're fucked-up!!!”



Last edited by hamidsinisa on Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:43 pm

^^

I guess that joke goes under the Generally stupid category Hamidisinisa Very Happy

Here's one for you:

A guy from Teheran comes to Paris and he goes to a job interview, and the guy there asks him: "Where did you come from and how?"
and he responds :"I-RAN"

Very Happy

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danielganx
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:35 pm

i saw this joke from our friend Nigel (NonMollareMai) Twisted Evil

Ashley cole has been caught speeding again, he was doing 104mph in a 40zone. When asked why he was going so fast he replied ''John terry's car is parked outside my house"
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hamidsinisa
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:02 am

Sile wrote:
^^

I guess that joke goes under the Generally stupid category Hamidisinisa Very Happy

Here's one for you:

A guy from Teheran comes to Paris and he goes to a job interview, and the guy there asks him: "Where did you come from and how?"
and he responds :"I-RAN"

Very Happy

you started it!

Chemistry Teacher:''Can you give me di formula for water?''
Sile:''H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.''
Chemistry Teacher:''Where did you get an idea like that?''
Sile:''You told us di other day it was H to O.''



this one goes under IQ category!


danielganx wrote:
i saw this joke from our friend Nigel (NonMollareMai) Twisted Evil

Ashley cole has been caught speeding again, he was doing 104mph in a
40zone. When asked why he was going so fast he replied ''John terry's
car is parked outside my house"

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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Tue Mar 02, 2010 2:53 pm

Any Russians here?






And here's a stupid joke:

"Mommy, mommy, I don't like cheese with holes in it!"

"Okay son, no problem, eat the cheese and leave the holes"

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Giolazio
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Tue Mar 02, 2010 3:06 pm

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half-head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”
“Originally from Essex, sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.
“Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.”
“No smelling as!” the boy replied. “Who does she play for?”

Very Happy

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Miro
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Tue Mar 02, 2010 9:11 pm

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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LazioS70
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:12 am

Well what can i say:
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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Wed Mar 03, 2010 12:44 pm

2 guys, half drunk, come to a whore house and the bouncer stops them and asks "what do you want" and they say "this is a whore house right? we want some action".
The bouncer asks them how much money they got and they say "we have 23,5 €, what can we do for that" and the bouncer replies "for that you 2 can go f*ck yourselves".
An hour later the same 2 guys return and the bouncer, pissed off, asks "what the f*ck do you want now?" and they say "we wish to pay our bill" tongue

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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:21 pm

what did the leper say to the prostitute?


Keep the tip

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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Sat Mar 06, 2010 4:48 pm

A container holding 250,000 Merda shirts was returned to Riomma
by the people of Haiti with a note. "We have no homes, no food and no
water but we still have our dignity!"


Brian and Kevin are two elderly gentlemen who are enthusiastic soccer fans. One day, they are discussing whether there is soccer in heaven or not. One week later, Brian dies. Some days later, Kevin can hear Brian's voice from the other world: "Kevin, Kevin! I have a good and a bad message for you. The good message is that there is soccer in heaven!"
Kevin: "And what is the bad message?"
Brian: "You were selected as goalkeeper for the next game on Saturday!"


After a heavy accident and a long surgery, a soccer player wakes up slowly from the anesthesia. The doctor says: "I have a good and a bad message for you! First the bad one: Unfortunately we had to amputate your left leg!"
"Oh my God! That is terrible! And what is the good message?"
"There is a guy in the hospital who wants to buy your soccer shoes!"

The doctor asks the young nurse: "Have you taken a blood sample from the patient on room number 12?"
The nurse answers: "Yes, but I did not manage to get more than 6 liters out of him!"
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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:50 pm




and this one rulz


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hamidsinisa
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:29 pm

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you..'


Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Fri Mar 26, 2010 5:20 pm

-SUCCESS-

One guy walking on the street, when saw light form the sky and beautiful voice calling him:” Come baby, come.. Steps falling down from the sky, and the guy desides to take walk up and to meet that girl.
He meets one sweet girl, with googly eyes and long brown hair, inviting him to take her with smile…

1 Girl: “Have me, or climb the steps to success..”
The guy: “What kind of girl… I never ever in my life had such a beauty..” Looks at the girl again, thinks for a while, and desides to walk to the next higher level, to meet another similar looking girl.
On the next floor, he meets one gorgeous blonde, big tits, perfect ass, perfect body aroma.. almost everything..
2 Girl: “Have me, or climb the steps to success..”

The guy (shuttered): “Woow!! What kind of girl… I don’t know what to say, this must be the most fuckable girl I’ve ever met.. But it keep going better and better, I’m desperate to meet the other girl on the next floor, she must be real goodes!” So, he climbed to the next floor…
On the next floor, he meets 3 times better girl than the previous… More than anything everyone could imagine...
3.Girl: “Have me, or climb the steps to success..”

The guy: “I’m so crazy if I don’t take this one… But it keeps better and better.. I promise, I will take the next girl..” – so he climbed again and there he meet..

1. Big black naked dude: Hi, I’m Cess… Suck it…
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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Tue Apr 06, 2010 12:50 am

A leper walks into a soup kitchen for the homeless, stands in line, grabs a tray, waits his turn, get's a meal, finds a free space to sit down and starts eating.
Every now and then he looks up and notices that the guy across the table stares at him and looks disgusted.
He lets it slide for a few minutes but then loses is nerve and says:
"Look man, yeah, I'm a leper, I know, I have rotting skin, festering wounds and puss filled boils all over but I'm fucking hungry and I came here to eat and if no-one ever told you it's fucking impolite to stare, you dick"

And the guy replies:
"Nah man, you misunderstand, I'm not staring at you, I'm staring at the guy behind you dunking his bread crust in your back"

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hamidsinisa
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Tue Apr 13, 2010 12:17 pm

oops!

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Sile
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Mon May 03, 2010 11:53 am

I know it's Monday morning but....


A ship hits a rock and starts sinking. Aboard other passengers were a doctor, a lawyer and a priest. As panic starts everyone looks to save himself, so the doctor says:

Doctor: "Save the children, quick, help the little ones!!!"

Lawyer: "Dude, f*ck the children!"

Priest: "What, you think there is still time?"


Twisted Evil

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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Mon May 03, 2010 12:59 pm

Sile wrote:
I know it's Monday morning but....


A ship hits a rock and starts sinking. Aboard other passengers were a doctor, a lawyer and a priest. As panic starts everyone looks to save himself, so the doctor says:

Doctor: "Save the children, quick, help the little ones!!!"

Lawyer: "Dude, f*ck the children!"

Priest: "What, you think there is still time?"


Twisted Evil

affraid
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PostSubject: Re: Awesome joke thread   Today at 12:43 am

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